On Leading By Example

A friend of mine said something interesting to me the other day:

“you know, there’s only 2 ways of being a good leader actually; one is the ‘arm around the shoulder’ type strategy. Kind, compassionate, a good listener. Being genuinely empathetic. The other way is to lead by example - to show, first hand, that they can do the job really, really well, and perhaps better than anybody else”.

These words stayed with me for a while, and after some time I came to the conclusion that empathy strategy number 1 may be good enough ‘for now’ but will never be enough (by itself) to get the best out of themselves and others.

‘Lead by example’ strategy number 2 is contagious, actionable, positive, proactive, inspiring and therefore a far better model, that we should strive to become (assuming the leader is at least adequate enough in other domains, that have nothing to do with ‘doing’ or ‘leading’).

There’s a rather spiky question that emerges, as I write, concerning the nature of leadership: do you wish to be a facilitator or a friend? A leader or a lover?

It could be that the best leaders are not always liked (but are likely respected instead). And it could be that ‘to make an omelette you need to break some eggs’. As Ido Portal confidently states, regarding any ‘real practice’: “we are attempting an assassination”.

The weak links of any organisation (or the weakest, ficklest parts of our nature) may need to be systematically eliminated in order for better work to be done, a company to function more cohesively, an individual to powerfully transform his or her practice.

How do we do this?

We live, act, do, lead by example. We be the change we wish to see in others.

Ironically, this might be one of the most age-old, repeated and rephrased wisdoms in all of (written) history. Read Marcus Aurelius’ ‘Meditations’, for example - the first true philosopher - and you’ll see what I mean. And yet it might be harder than ever to do without talking; to act without selling or promoting your act; and to lead without fear of judgements, gossip, resistance, and shaming on behalf of others. The true warrior (or leader) lives by the truest, most tried and tested (and therefore Taoistic) ethics.

These have nothing to do with rules or laws or rights per se, and at times may go completely against them even. This has always been the truest test of the human soul - to act ‘right’ even when the (often overly bureaucratic) masses are desperately urging you otherwise. It’s a subtle thing, but we all have access to it - the knowledge of that which is truly ‘right’.

The right thing to say, the perfectly composed choice or action, the exact amount of silence required, the ideal conversation or meeting to have. These are the leaders that lead by example, and this is the example we all should strive to give.

So why not the other kind/s of leadership mentioned? Books, gurus, podcasts galore, after all, talk about the various personality types and ways of influencing that are out there. ‘None is better or worse’ they say, ‘just different’. This may be true, and yet there are universal truths out there that cut through all of such personality traits, genders, identities, sexualities, body types, leadership styles etc.

One of those truths is ‘proof of work’ (or ‘having done what one claims and encourages in others’). Proof of work is not always the loud-mouthed success story with the filled trophy cabinet. Often real ‘work’ becomes an invisible gown of wisdom, courage, humility and experience. When one has it then the CV needn’t be written or spoken about - it’s obvious from the mannerisms, tone of voice, presence and behaviours of the person.

These invisible cues say everything, and as humans we’re much more perceptive and influenced by these things than we even realise.

That being said, the work still needs to be done - we can’t fake genuine proof of work after all… And so, regardless of one’s introvertedness, demeanor, empathy, communication style etc, the experience of having performed what one preaches will shine through, consciously or subconsciously, no matter what.

There’s a power, a loftiness, and a shared communal ‘drive’ towards one’s goals when such a leader is in place. Every member of the team is lifted upwards, seemingly without reason, and that shared state is positively contagious amongst all. Sometimes it only takes one individual, whether in the formal top-leadership position or otherwise, to captain the ship, simply from their small, barely-recognisable habits and behaviours.

In this respect it’s always been my belief (though not always consciously) that the quality of our younger, upcoming generation can best be cultivated through 3 basic missions:

1) To be productive (trained efficiency and output)

2) To be useful (according to the most urgent and relevant needs of the family, community, tribe etc)

3) To be uniquely individual (according to those single or few special interests, talents or niches one might possess)

Notice how, typically, in human cultures (and certainly organisations) a unique individual is not respected or permitted to talk and act as he/she wishes unless ‘proof of work’ is first there. Being productive and useful is what gains one respect, familiarity and comradery with one’s peers. Without it there’s no hope of authentic leadership or any greater achievement, above and beyond that of others.

The wider the base, the taller the mountain, as they say. And so to lead and inspire is first and foremost about doing the ‘dirty’ work, the common thing, the labour of all labours, and to do it with love…

…so much love that it rubs off on your fellow man, to the extent that, without even knowing it, you’ve become leader of all leaders.

This may well be the only true leadership that exists - when, in fact, there is no separation between leader and follower; just harmony in motion, as all strive together as one towards their shared mission.

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