On Learning And Friendship

I have this sense of self that I carry around with me. Probably you do also.

I like it. It keeps me warm, safe, at home. But it also holds me back.

But every day, after not so much time, I begin to mock myself; to play with the idea of it even existing, and to change it, develop it, break it apart and start again.

It’s hard to do alone though. My friends help me, and they do it by just being themselves. They don’t have to do anything more: our conversation, our hobbies, us being together in a shared space, can be enough. It can be more than enough…

It often doesn’t really matter what we do together; the shared experience is enough for a sense of learning to take place. Of course, that doesn’t mean we can’t find more and more valuable ways of spending time…

Researching ‘Friendship’

Why is companionship so powerful?

I use the word ‘companionship’ because actually friendship usually implies a long-lasting bond spanning several months or years.

Companionship, however, can be a stranger who you happen to work with once during a movement class and never see again after. This stranger can be just as valuable than a friend, if not more so, as we will come to see.

So why don’t we always wish to live and learn around others?

Isn’t our innate need to communicate, socialise and interact enough to keep us content and growing as individuals for ever?

As an introvert myself I suspect it’s a little more complicated than that…

As Carl Jung claimed, after all: some of us are extravert-introverts, and others introvert-extraverts.

We all have innate tendencies to enjoy and learn from others, but also to keep certain unique and personal qualities only for ourselves.

Researching that thing of ‘friendship’, or how we relate to others and why, brings us closer to our own truth regarding relationships. And by Research I mean exactly that: to ‘Re-Search’, day by day, week by week, month by month.

Why do I feel more drawn to this stranger instead of my supposed ‘best friend’?

Why is it that my intimate relationships take more energy from me than my non-intimate ones?

What do I actually want from a ‘friendship’? And am I brave enough to ask for it from someone I already know? etc etc.

Some learning (and movement) spaces are simply better than others. The environment, personalities, props and shared intentions within a space can make all the difference. Long story short: public doesn’t always mean better, and learning with others doesn’t always mean you’ll learn more.

Complex Relationships

Relationships, like all learning methods, can be complex.

So let’s take a look at the 5 processes inherent in all learning, first of all:

1) Exposure - a learning opportunity arising in the moment or within your field of awareness

2) Input - the actual learning situation/experience itself

3) Awareness - one’s conscious receiving of, and participation in, the learning experience

4) Recovery - the mental, physical and/or emotional detachment from the situation

5) Reflection - processing and understanding the learning experience afterwards (using a pen and paper, or through meditation, for example)

It’s easy to see how relationships can absolutely enrich some (if not all) of these layers. Even ‘Reflection’ can be wonderfully done in silence together.

However, relating to others can deter these process also, especially if one’s deeper purpose is not clear for oneself, boundaries are not communicated or there is simply too much happening all at once (common in BIG groups especially).

It is said in Chinese philosophy that “rivers remain the same because they’re always changing”.

And so what does it mean for one’s life to also play out in such a way?

Can our relationships be constantly renewed, revitalised or, equally, dropped if and when needed?

And if we’re learning all the time (actually) then what does it mean for one’s conscious attention to always be finding new opportunities and experiences to discover something valuable?

Can we too be ‘like a river’; instantly adapting to our environment, moment by moment. This is perhaps the deepest and most fundamental learning process there is - developing adaptability, change and surrender within ourselves.

The Final Frontier!

Relationships are the greatest mirror of all, without question! We feel what others feel, experience what others experience, cannot help but to put ourselves in their ‘shoes’ for better or for worse.

When we see a dead body, we are struck by our own mortality. When a child is starving, we are frightened by that feeling of hunger within ourselves. Equally, we can enjoy the excitement, love and success of others vicariously through simply observing their emotions and moods.

Things don’t have to be so ‘out of our control’ however. We are not feathers in the wind, blindly reacting to whatever we see and perceive. Actually, we are aware, conscious beings with a superb capacity to control where, how and when we direct our energy.

It’s all about that word ‘awareness’ again. Or ‘Awareness, Awareness, Awareness!’ as Anthony de Mello likes to emphasise.

Can you identify that moment when your own sense of safety and control is taken from you; when you get dragged into another’s story; when your emotion is not yours but somebody else’s whom you’re attached to.

With that awareness comes self-intelligence, comes freedom and comes choice!

It’s not easy. And what’s more, it’s infinite! Finding those ‘moments between moments’ is the difference between chronic back pain and a comfortable, enjoyable day at work; can be a gold medal instead of a silver one; or can be saying no to a friend’s routine invitation for coffee, instead of your usual yes.

Don’t underestimate the power of the tiny decisions (or ‘movements’) you make every day. Because those days become weeks, which become years, which become a lifetime…

The Butterfly Effect is a well known phenomena, emphasising the idea that every tiny decision and/or action we make impacts everything else in the universe. Of course, it begins small, with our close tribe of friends and family for example, but through tiny knock-on effects, over many years, can drastically change culture, society and the physical landscape we live in also.

Take-Away Tools

Here are a few simple tools that can help you to learn and relate more effectively after reading this blog:

1) Select your 5 main ‘Tribe’ members - the people you MOST want to spend time with and learn from. Less is More, as the Zen masters say, and you can never learn from everyone. So getting the most out of fewer relationships can be an effective way to go…

2) WRITE! With paper and pen (not on a computer or mobile phone). And do it daily. Much scientific research into Neuroscience and Learning emphasises the power of putting pen to paper, and of doing this daily. Whether it’s journalling, blogging or poetry, doing this daily will drastically enrich the ‘Reflection’ part of your learning

3) Find a good teacher and let them teach you. Ideally, they should be a human being you can meet regularly, face to face. Give them chance to fully share with you all that they have to offer - ideas, practices, stories, jokes etc. When it comes to teachers, again, Less is More. In the end, Quality always wins over Quantity!

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