On The Only Relationship That Works

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages”

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

Like with anything in this world, there’s a ton of ways of building, becoming in, and sustaining a relationship with someone. I’ve learned over the years to do my best to avoid selecting the so-called best ‘way’ of all such ways (to the neglect of others), but to instead find the consistent trend (or truth) within them all.

That truth points us, usually, somewhere more practically useful, as well as being more generous and accommodating to all boxes that we might find ourselves in.

To use diet as an example, rather than selecting the BEST of the various diet FADS that we’ve given a popular name (and often the cult that follows it), why not find those foods or strategies that are typically agreed upon by all.

Alive foods, such as fruits, vegetables, and some form of animal produce (be it cheese, meat, fish or milk) have typically been eaten by most people for most of human history. Eat a somewhat diverse range of these, most of the time, and you’ll be fine.

The chances that some new technologically-enhanced, packaged superfood can trump this strategy is therefore highly unlikely and should be taken with a pinch of (himalayan?) sea salt. Literally.

We are, and should be, skeptical of new ‘miracle’ forms of relationships also - ones that sound too good to be true and almost always are.

So let’s begin our Research into the humble truths inside of the words and terms so rampant within this rather ‘touchy’ subject of Relationships.

First… some distinct observations of mine concerning relationships (supported and enlightened by various authors, some of which are mentioned throughout):

1) We often treat our husbands/wives, girlfriends/boyfriends, partners etc actually MUCH WORSE than we do our friends (or strangers even for that matter).

A simple example: if our friend betrays us, lies, or spends quality time with another friend, then we typically forgive them, move forwards and still remain friends. If our partner does such things: typically we reprimand them, break up with them, divorce and/or (perhaps even worse) we secretly resent them or spend all our savings on therapy to change them into a ‘better’ person (which doesn’t work).

2) The more conditions we place upon our partners, the more likely (and more quickly) we are to act against them.

Example: the husband tells his wife she can’t spend time with her male (good-looking) friend - so she fantasises and romanticises about him and eventually sees him anyway (probably with even more lust and determination than before).

3) Every individual is selfish, so if the relationship doesn’t meet both people’s needs, as well as extend the scope of their selfish desires and needs over time, then it’s destined to collapse or drastically change form.

Example: one person wants to travel by themselves; the other wants to have a romantic trip together, just the two of them. So travelling together is unlikely to serve their relationship, but doing things their own way, even if it means being apart for some time, might.

4) Sex is never really about sex. It’s always about something else. Take care of the rest and the sex (or lack of it) will take care of itself.

Example: two self-loving individuals, if and when attracted to each other, may have great sex regardless of their relationship status together. Two people seeking fulfilment and belonging through the other will have very temporary enjoyment through sex (if at all), quickly followed, most likely, by pain, sadness, heartbreak or all three.

5) The most important and actionable of all - Friendship is the ONLY type of relationship that works. Meaning that it’s both practically useful AND allows all involved to be honestly themselves.

Example: you’re my friend, therefore I sincerely want (for you) what’s best for you, and vice versa. It’s a win-win. Your joy, your learning, your success, is my joy/learning/success. If you love another person then it’s an opportunity for me to love you more (as well as that extra person). Our mutual trust, friendship and freedom has exponential growth and, therefore, has no limits. It’s a relationship for LIFE.

Further reflection on these ‘realities’ concerning human relationships, I believe, shows the friendship paradigm, if understood and practiced well, to negate many (if not all) of these issues.

Meaning: the relationship becomes more unconditional, more (mutually) selfish and more healthy sexually-speaking (because we sincerely actually like our mate). In turn our potential to develop, love and learn actually grows instead of shrinking, and our world of further possibilities expands.

Readers that, at this point, are convinced that their long-term partnership or marriage has all of these qualities then congratulations! You may indeed have a great friendship with your husband/girlfriend etc. If the friendship dynamis is alive and well, who cares what you call your loved one?!

You might not have ever called them a ‘friend’ but, in my eyes, it’s exactly what they are…

If, on the other hand, you’re struggling to build healthy, fulfilling relationships (and/or your love life is always ending in heartbreak) then I suggest adopting the ‘friend’ term for a while and see what happens.

What you may find, in turn, is a rather interesting list of limited beliefs I notice many of us have regarding friendship.

Beliefs such as:

> You’re not supposed to have sex with your friends // If we have sex we are not friends but something else

> A friendship is not a strong enough commitment to last and/or to fulfil me long term

> There are certain things I can’t do with, or ask from, a friend which I can with a partner or husband/wife

> I cannot have a child with my friend/s

> I’m not allowed to only have friends // The world/other people expect or even demand me to have one ‘official’ partner

One thing we’re great at forgetting is that if something doesn’t work in reality then it isn’t a smart, wise or useful thing to keep on practicing it in exactly the same way. Most conventional relationships (both monogamous AND polygamous ones) do not last, and rarely do they end ‘well’ either.

Read the Science and Literature on the subject (see reading list below), talk to enough everyday folks or simply pay enough attention to the world around you and you’ll see it for yourself…

A remarkable thing I’ve noticed from my many years of living in India and other parts of Asia is the contrast between arranged marriages and our largely ‘love-based’ ones. While both are far from perfect, there are qualities of friendship (pragmatically and socially) recurrent in the arranged approach that we can only dream of.

Attention is given to the practical arrangement and long-term ‘win-win’ of both parties, as appose to the butterflies and erotic attraction governing our choices typically in the West (feelings that change or die along with the seasons). Feelings are temporary. Emotions are fleeting and hugely misguiding. We sign our own divorce papers and break our own hearts by giving too much power to them.

So WHAT IF:

• we COULD make love to our friend/s

• we DESIGNED committed forms of friendship

• we DARED to ask anything and everything from our friends

• we RAISED children with the people we actually enjoy spending time with (instead of the person we once lusted after)

• we DIDNT’ CARE so much what other people thought of our relationship and lifestyle choices

I suspect the world might be a bit more of a harmonious place.

I’m curious and inspired to continue finding out…

*SHORT READING / RESEARCH LIST :

(the most easy to read and accessible)

Sex at Dawn (Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha) // the work of Friedrich Nietzsche // The Monogamy Gap (Eric Anderson) // the work of Herman Hesse // knowingless.com // professorericanderson.com // Sapiens (Yuval Noah Harari)

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