I’m Here As Always
I’m here as always. Despair finds me in the same place every time. Stuck between my various shapes; in the midst of everywhere and nowhere. I want Life to hold me, to become me, so there are no separate strings, no loose parts.
But sometimes I get frighteningly aware of my existence. I wander if I’m too sensitive. I don’t know many like me, after all – I don’t know ‘anybody’ like me in fact!
I'm able to escape the cage almost constantly though, and it’s these disappearing acts that make up the majority of my daily existence. Somehow it’s an unnerving process every time though. The thought arrives: shouldn’t it all be much easier than this?
Would God really design a game with so many frequent traps? It appears so. And it frustrates me that others seem to be less aware of them.
Yet who wins this Game after all? What rewards are there for the likes of me? And is Death really where it ends? I’ve a long way to go still, if so...
Small things occur that give me trust though. Clarity. Peace of mind. Sometimes compliments; a job offer; a big pay day; the love of a woman. It’s short lived though. Quickly the hole returns. Was I neglected as a child? Am I afraid of my powers? Or just unable to ask for help?
Could it be that I’m the same as everyone else? Confronting the exact same questions as they are...
Yes. Probably. But I don’t like the idea of that. I want to be unique, to express myself, to win, to suffer, and to lose in my own completely original way. This desire, this desperately endless effort to be niche is also universal perhaps...
This is how a human being is: capable of infinity but limited by his or her reality also. The mind reaches far, too far. The body, the heart, the lungs, need time to catch up.
If only I had less of this wild imagination, I tell myself.
But no... I’m missing something. Something simple. Plain. Ordinary. A walk in the sun maybe. Or a coffee. A phone call with a friend. A combination of things.
Let’s try that today. To be ordinary. To be human. To just exist.
That’s better.
Thank you blog.
Writing always seems to help...
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